Maybe you’ve heard horror stories from friends about how frustrating and scary raising a kid through the teenage phase can be. Guess what? It’s true! But you and your kids will get through it, even though it could get rough.

First of all, we need to answer the question, “why are the teenage years so tough?”

There are several reasons:

• Their brains are entering  a new stage where they start thinking for themselves more than they did in their younger years. This part of their brain called the prefrontal cortex, starts to kick into gear and they become more analytical, more judgmental, and start creating their ideas and ideals.
• Because of this new brain activity, they begin to think of themselves as more independent (which they really aren’t) and demand their own way. They start to question authority and become more defiant.
• As their brains continue to develop, they start to see more flaws in their parents than they noticed in the pre-teen years. You knew you weren’t perfect before but now your kids see that, too. You haven’t changed, but your teenager sees you in a different light.
• To make matters worse, your teenage son and daughter are going through other bodily changes as well. Their hormones are developing. The boys are moving toward manhood with feelings and desires they never experienced before. The daughters are seeing changes in their bodies, too. Monthly periods are scary and sometimes painful. It’s confusing for both genders.

All these changes are necessary and are just part of growing up. But how can parents help themselves and their kids get through this stage?

• Be the Grownup – Even though your teenager will act like he or she is smarter and more “mature” than you, you’re still the grownup. Your kids may act like morons and overreact to everything, but you need to keep your cool. Stay solid and don’t let the emotions cause you to react in a way you’ll regret later.
• Stay Connected – Try to connect with your son or daughter. Find ways to enter their worlds.  Listen to their music (even though you can’t stand it!) Do some activities they like doing. Don’t try to change them.
• Pick Your Battles and Stay Firm – Along with being connected, you still need to  establish ground rules and stick with them. If you’re daughter needs to be home by midnight, make sure she complies. If not, there needs to be consequences. Of course, spanking is out of the question at this age, but you can take privileges away.

The teenage years can be very trying for both parents and kids, but remember, this too shall pass! When they reach the early 20’s, they’ll be “normal” again.

Just don’t give up! Hang in there and everything will be fine.

One thing that can help tremendously is to prepare for the teen years. This can get you ready mentally and emotionally, and even though the teenage years will still be difficult, being prepared can help.

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When your child does not listen, consider the following:

Natural Consequences
These are the instances when you let your child see what will happen if he does not act properly (as long as it does not place him in harms way). For example, if your child keeps dropping her cookies on purpose, she will soon have no more cookies left to eat. If she throws and breaks her toy, she will not be able to play with it. It will not be long before she learns not to drop her food and to play properly with her toys.
When you utilize this technique, don’t give in and rescue your youngster (by giving her more cookies, for example). Your child will learn most effectively) when she learns for herself.
Logical Consequences

These are the times when you will need to step in and establish a consequence. For example, tell her that if she refuses to pick up her toys, you will put them away for the rest of the day. When you use this method, it is vital that you mean what you say. Be prepared to follow through without delay. You don’t have to yell and scream. Be firm your son or daughter that if she will not cooperate, she will be required to give something up she likes. The following are a few things to be aware of when you use this approach:
Never take away something your child truly needs, such as a meal.
Choose something that your child values that is related to the misbehavior.
For children younger than 6 or 7 years, withholding privileges works best if done immediately. For example, if your child misbehaves in the morning, do not tell her she can’t watch TV that evening. That is too much time in between, and she probably will not connect the wrong behavior with the consequence.
Make sure you can follow through on your promise.
Time-Out

A time-out is a method of punishment that works well when a specific rule has been broken. This method works best for children between the ages of 2 to 5, but can be used throughout childhood. Here are some steps to make a time-out effective.

•         Establish The Rules Ahead of Time

Decide which two or three behaviors will cause you to use the time-out and explain this to your child beforehand. You may have to repeat this often.

•         Choose A Time-Out Spot

A time-out should take place in a boring location with no distractions, such as a chair. Remember, the main goal is to separate the child and allow him or her to pause and cool off. (Choose the room carefully. Bathrooms can be dangerous and bedrooms oftentimes can become playgrounds.)

•         Start The Time-Out

Allow your child one warning (unless the misbehavior involves aggression). If the wrong behavior happens again, send her to the time-out spot immediately. Explain to her what she did wrong in as few words and with as little emotion as possible. Stay calm. If your child refuses to go to the spot on her own, gently pick her up and carry her to the spot. If she won’t stay, stand behind her and hold her gently but firmly. Then, without making eye contact, say, “I’m holding you here because you need to have a time-out.” Don’t discuss it with her any further. Do not respond to pleas, promises, questions, excuses, or outbursts (such as foul language). It should only require a few time-outs before she learns to cooperate and will choose to sit quietly rather than be held down.

•         Set A Time Limit

Once your child can sit quietly, set a timer so that she will know when the time-out is over. A rule of thumb is 1 minute of time-out for every year of your child’s age (for example, a 5-year-old would receive a 5-minute time-out). But even 15 seconds will often work. If he or she makes a fuss, start the timer again. Wait until your child is quiet and calm before you set the timer again.

•         Resume Activity

When the timer dings, help your child return to her play. Your child has “served her time.” Don’t lecture her or ask for apologies. Remind her that you love her. If you need to discuss her behavior, wait until later to do so.

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1. Direct little hands

Sometimes just touching the wrong things can get your toddler in trouble. It’s just their nature to want to explore and handle things.

One creative way to teach your toddler what he can and cannot touch is through word associations. For safe things, say, “yes touch”. For off-limit objects, say “no touch”. Saying words like “soft touch” for people’s faces and small animals will teach your child to be gentle with selected things.

Over time you can incorporate words like “hot touch” for the oven and “owie touch” for sharper or hot surfaces.

With time your child should respond well to these phrases. Instead of spanking your child, you can teach them through words.

2. Respond Kindly toward little grabbers

As you’re baking in the kithcen, you look down to see your toddler with a jar of olives. You can just picture what will happen next and the mess it will cause. So you abruptly grab the jar from her to avoid the problem. But less than a second later she’s screaming at the top of her lungs in protest. You’ve averted one mess only to cause another. What could you have done differently to avoid any mess?

If your toddler is younger, make eye contact and divert her attention to some other object, like a toy or some safe object in the kitchen, like a spatula. Then gently remove the olive jar from her hands while she’s taking the alternate object.

For an older toddler, you might ask her to give you the jar so you can open it for her and give her an olive. As you open the jar, point to where she needs to put the olive once she gets it (her mouth).

So the gist of this tactic is to divert the child’s attention to something “better” and gently remove the object she has.

3. Look at life through the eyes of your toddler

Sometimes kids do things that are very annoying. Not maliciously, like adults do. They’re more innocent than adults. If you let every mess your kids make during a normal day bother you, you’ll be miserable. You leave your toddler alone in the kitchen for 30 seconds, and when you return, you find her splashing water all over the floor.

The first thought that enters your mind is “poor me, now I have to clean that up. Why does she always do this to me?”. Instead of getting angry or depressed, put yourself in her shoes. She’s thinking “this is fun! Look at all the cool things I can do with water and dishes!”

Temporarily forget about your own inconvenience. She’s just doing what she’s supposed to be doing at her age – learning and exploring. If you try to remove her from the sink, she’ll most likely throw a tantrum. Just wait a few minutes; she’ll move on to something else. And cleaning up a little water isn’t a big deal.

She won’t be doing this anymore once she’s six. Put yourself in her shoes and enjoy those “wonder years” with her!

4. Distract and divert your toddler

You notice your one-year-old clumsily walking toward a lamp cord. If you swoop down and grab him before the apparent accident, he’ll probably throw a tantrum. Try calling his name or saying some word you know from past experience will stop him in his tracks.

Then during the distraction, divert him toward a safer alternative. You can say something like “Brandon! Look what I found over here! Come over here and I’ll show you how it works”, or something like that.Doing this quickly is important. You want to divert him before he has a lot of emotional energy invested in his first plan.

Other articles in this website have discussed pros and cons of spanking a child as a form of discipline. We’ve also covered the topic of timeouts and their effectiveness.

Here’s an interesting video by an expert in child behavior and effective ways to correct a child. He talks about how sometimes spanking or other disciplinary actions are done in anger. When anger is combined with a physical action like spanking, it can have a damaging effect on certain children.

In this video, he talks about using forms of punishment other than spanking. I think you’ll find it helpful.

As a parent, you know that if you don’t discipline your child in some way, he or she will become a little monster. You’ve probably seen these kids, even three or four years of age, acting like little dictators. You know you need to implement some type of punishment to correct you child.

It seems that child discipline can be divided into two main categories. Spanking and non-spanking. Spanking involves only one activity, spanking. Non-spanking measures can comprise a plethora of techniques. One popular method used today is called a “time out”. What exactly is a “time-out” and is it effective?

A time out is the modern day equivalent of “sitting in a corner”. For children between the ages of 3 and 6, this can be a very effective means of correcting bad behavior.

The best way to implement a time out is to use it only for more serious offenses. Immediately after the misbehavior, discuss the wrong behavior he or she committed and explain to the child that for every wrong behavior there are consequences. Then sit him in a chair in a place where you can see him and don’t allow any playing with toys or talking. The length of the time out should be their age in minutes. For a three year old, three minutes and so on.Set a timer so you don’t lose track of time.

If your child won’t cooperate, explain again why they’re being punished and warn them you’ll add another minute to the time out if they don’t sit still for the allotted time. Sometimes sitting with them for the first few times will encourage them.

Using time outs consistently will be very effective in correcting wrong behavior in children from 3 to 6 years of age. Just be sure you stick to the rules and don’t allow any activities during the 3-6 minute time out. A time out shouldn’t be just another playtime in a different room. It needs to “hurt” a little. Kids hate to sit still for even a few minutes. This will be enough punishment to get their attention.

So we see that a time out may work well as a form of discipline in lieu of a spanking. Keep in mind that consistency is key in making any form of correction work.

Here’s a good article on implementing time outs

>>Should Parents Spank Their Children

In our modern world, spanking has been viewed by a growing majority as not an effective method of discipline, but a form of physical abuse. Consequently, many parents who agree with spanking their children have become fearful of spanking their kids in public.

Spanking, like any other form of correction, must be given consistently or it won’t work. When your child acts up, you need to administer the punishment immediately. Otherwise the child might not associate the punishment with the wrong behavior.

If you’re spanking your child at home but not in the grocery store, guess where your kid is going to be at his worst? The grocery store! He or she knows from past situations that if they misbehave in public, they are exempt from receiving a spanking.

That’s the problem with timeouts. You can’t give your child a timeout in a grocery store. And if you wait until you get home several hours later, the punishment won’t be effective. Correction is many times more effective when given in the moment.

So if spanking is your main form of punishment, then you should give your kids a swat on the bottom in public if they need it. If you’re more comfortable, you can always relocate to a restroom for a more private setting.

>>Should Parents Spank Their Children? Home Page

Should parents spank their children

These are all questions you may be asking. You want to raise your kids right and do what’s best for them. I get it. If spanking can cause permanent emotional damage to your children or child, you don’t want to be doing damage. Right?

Has this ever happened to you?

You’re in the grocery store with your 4 year old boy, Ethan. Things are going pretty well, until Ethan decides it would be cool to grab one of the paper towel rolls in a stacked display. So he grabs one. Fortunately, the whole display doesn’t come down. In frustration, you snatch the roll from him and try to put it back where it was. This makes Ethan mad, so he grabs another roll, barely avoiding a collapse of the mountain of paper towels.

Now you’re getting angry, and grab the roll from him with even more gusto. This time you get down in his face and quietly “scream” , “Stop that, now!”  Now Ethan’s buttons are pushed, and this time, in utter rebellion, he grabs an armful of paper towels. Sure enough, this causes a chain reaction and the whole display comes down.

Could this embarrassing scenario have been avoided? Did you react in the best way? Would spanking Ethan been the correct and most beneficial response?

This website will give you, as a struggling parent, some answers to the question, “Should parents spank their children”, and guide you to the best sources of up-to-date child raising techniques and philosophies.

The problem most parents make is they don’t apply the right form of discipline, at the right time, and in the correct proportion.

Is there a right way for parents to spank their children?

If you are part of the Christian faith, you’re aware the Bible states, “Spare the rod, spoil the child”. Maybe you were personally raised in a Christian home where spanking was a normal form of punishment. And if you’re trying to raise your kids based upon Christian principles, then spanking your kids is something you will probably be doing.

But you may have questions about how and where to spank your children. What’s your emotional temperature while performing the spanking? Are you angry? Is spanking your child a way to blow off steam?

A parent should never spank a child while in a state of anger. I know you’re human and there are times like the scenario mentioned earlier, when you do get angry. And spanking your child in a public place probably isn’t the best idea either. Just make sure you’ve “counted to ten” before disciplining your child.

Do alternatives to spanking work?

Whether you’re a non-Christian or a Christian who is questioning the benefits of spanking, you might have tried other forms of punishment for your kids. Things like “time outs”, grounding, or taking away privileges are some popular techniques used by parents these days. Do these forms of punishment work?

One important thing to remember about children and people in general is we’re all different. We have varied personality traits, temperaments, and we each respond to events differently. For one child, a stern look will sometimes be enough to correct, while another child may respond better to an actual physical spanking (done in love, of course!)

So I believe the key element to take away from this article, is every kid is different and requires a different form of punishment. Even kids in the same family should be singled out and treated as a unique individual, which is what they are! Part of parenting is determining the psychological and emotional makeup of each of our children and implement the correct form of discipline for their personality.

This, of course, is a very deep and complex subject and I’m not going to go into the psychology of child raising here. There are many good books on the subject and if you’re serious about doing what’s best for your kids, I highly recommend reading and studying these books instead of the latest novel.

So in answering the question “Should parents spank their children“, I believe in depends on your beliefs and the personality of your child.

>>Spanking Your Child vs. Timeouts

>>Should Parents Spank Their Children in Public?

>>4 Ways to Correct Your Toddler Without Spanking